Letter to My Daughter

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

l am sharing a letter I wrote to one of my daughters. So often when we struggle we will not share it, because our pride worries about what others will think. May we receive grace to be truthful and walk by faith, instead of walking as a hypocrite dressed in the deceitful robes of sanctimonious spirituality!

 My daughter,

You have been on my heart, I see your face in a crowd, on TV, and I see no smile. I feel the pain in your expression. I want to enfold you in my arms and pray for you, undoing the distance between us.

I have tasted struggle until I am sated with it. Week after week, wrestling in mind and heart. And now coughing to exhaustion. But the most difficult is my inability to focus. When my Savior pulls back and allows me to totter along in my faith unable to sense Him, my mind wanders without permission. I feel like a failure and I deeply miss His sweet nearness; as when He attends my way. I miss His amazing comfort and gentleness and prayer that is quickly answered. Albeit, I mostly miss the fellowship that fills my day. Instead it's struggle!

 Why? I wonder. Am I being strengthened for greater difficulty? My muscles tense as I wait for the other shoe to drop and the trial be over! I  just want to go back  to His comfort, His sweet Presence. I want to walk away from the pain and leave this alone-ness behind. In spite of the struggle I KNOW He is here and He is comforting, and carrying and loving and providing, but my feelings want the throne and the control. I am aghast at how insistent my unbelief is!!! I repent, I claim, I resist, I soak my mind in God’s word and I praise even when the words sound empty and echo in the chambers of my heart. I wrestle with feeling like a hopeless failure, yet a loved child. I force myself to live in the moment refusing the whispers and lies, as I resist the enemy. One look in the mirror and I wonder how God can love me, when I do not even like myself. He ‘feels’ so far away!

Yet, I long for Him with such a voracious appetite, I wonder if my hunger can ever be truly and deeply satisfied here in this world, for am I not an alien? Not to be satisfied in the now, in this realm of emptiness and brokenness. But in spite of or because of the pain, I always arrive back at the truth that... "HE IS GOOD! period! I must stop making this about me."

Job 19:25-27

 I know that my redeemer lives,
    and that in the end he will stand on the earth^.
 And after my skin has been destroyed,
    yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him
    with my own eyes—I, and not another.
    How my heart yearns within me!

This scripture doesn't say  "I 'feel' my redeemer is alive..... It says  'I know' , it is  the 'know' of choosing to believe by faith.

 One more question: how do restore what I feel like I have lost?  I don’t. I trust, I lean hard into Jesus and with great effort  and in obedience I focus, I choose to rest in Him. Yes! Even if it means I never 'sense' His sweet victory, His sweet Presence, or answered prayer. Living the Christian life is about Him. HIM. Not impressing others with how spiritual I am or how kind... not about me. He must increase, I must decrease. "LORD, establish your word to me, Your servant as that which produces reverence for YOU." Psalm 119:38 Free me to be occupied with You! Crucified is my old sin nature and I am blessedly placed in the Son, Jesus. I am not to live by feelings... and I find it impossible, so I am thankful God that what is impossible for me, is His expertise!
My mentor once said to me after an emotional appeal for prayer   "O, bummer!"

Not scripture, but two words which grabbed me by the collar and gave me a shake! My tears stopped …. Peace fell like warm Light over me and I could stand. "And having done all to stand, stand. (Ephesians 6:10)

Lord, You love us far more than explanation can justify. I am an alien on planet earth. Thank You, compassionate One, You always attend my way whether I feel You there or not. Thank You. I realize anew I am not home yet.

love to you daughter, having done all to stand! stand,    mom